Dang, alliteration is tacky. But I just couldn’t help it. Too bad the term ‘funnel cake’ doesn’t start with a ‘-J’ sound. Otherwise my title would have been ‘Jumbotrons, Jesse Jamal, and the Ginormously Jumbled Journey for… Funnel Cake.’*
ANYWAY. This Tuesday was the epic clash between the Georgia Tech and U[sic]GA baseball teams at Turner Field. Like any good student, of course, I was there. Now, I’d been to my share of Cards and Braves games, so I knew the most important part of playing in a MLB stadium: the glorious Jumbotron. I came to the stadium wondering if I would get on the screen once. My friend claimed he’d been on the screen 3 times and could do it again. I am proud to say that I made it onto the Jumbotron 5 times.
5 times. Let’s wait a minute for that to soak in. 5 times. I was on the Jumbotron 5 TIMES. And how many innings are there in a baseball game? Like 9? That means that every other time, the camera man decided that my friends and I were special enough to make it to the big screen. And I must say, I am quite the natural. Hollywood, here I come. But don’t worry! You could be on the Jumbotron 5 times – or, dare I say it, more! – if you follow my simple 7 step procedure.
Sangita Sharma’s Guide to Landing on the Jumbotron, and Striking it Rich:
- Go to a baseball game where there is a Jumbotron (This excludes all little league matches. Unfortunately.)
- Find some friends and grab a seat. Try to sit kind of in the middle of your friends
- Between innings, when the Jumbotron is showing people instead of the game, get up and dance wildly. Pelvic thrusts, shimmys, and 80’s dance moves are highly encouraged.
- Dance some more
- Take a break. Maybe get some Funnel Cake. And then dance some more.
- Be AWESOME.
- Find a 100 dollar bill
- Dance-some-more some more
Also, let it be known that when coming up with “__-step” procedures, it’s much easier to come up with the steps and then name it instead of the other way around. Otherwise you’re left with large multi-step-condensed-into-one-step steps or floofy filler steps – neither of which are particularly pleasant.
ANYWAYS. The excitement doesn’t stop there, folks! Oh, no. In between my celeb-glam-shots on the Jumbotron, I watched two drunk men start fighting, only to be escorted away by the po-po. I went on an epic journey to find Funnel Cake. And I was met a guy with no front teeth named Jamal. (The guy was named Jamal. Not his lack-of-teeth. Ha. Ha. Ha… Haaaaaaaaa.)
Because I don’t have the attention span to give you a play-by-play of the night (PUN!!?) let’s focus on the interesting part: Jamal. And yes, my life is so exciting that Funnel Cake is no longer considered extraordinary.
ANYWAYSSSS. During my ever-consuming quest for Funnel Cake, I was flagged down by a dubious fellow who was rather on the large side and had no front teeth. He was extremely proud of the fact that he’d worked at Turner Field for so long and that he knew exactly where the Funnel Cake was, and he seemed to think I should be fairly impressed as well. I was. (Come on, it’s Funnel Cake! I didn’t realize what I was getting into.) As we trekked to the Funnel Cake stand, we started talking.
Crazy Strange Man (CSM): So you come often?
Me: To Turner Field? No
CSM: You single?
Me: …..
CSM: Why you single?
Me: …..
CSM: You believe in the Zodiac?
Me: Umm… (I was slightly more eloquent at this point, once I had overcome my initial shock.)
CSM: Zodiac’s crazy. Except my sign. My sign always pulls for me.
Me: Right
CSM: I mean, my sign means something. What’s your sign?
Me: What?
CSM: What’s your sign?
Me: What’s your sign?
CSM: I’ll give you my sign if you give me your number.
Me: …..
CSM: How ‘bout it?
Me: How about I just tell you my sign and then you can tell me yours.
CSM: Okay
Me: I’m a Gemini.
CSM: Gemini, cool. I’m a Scorpio.
And then he pulled out a lighter that had the word “Scorpio” on it. WTF?????? Why in the world would you put your Zodiac sign on a lighter? And then why would you show it to me? WHY????
Me: ….
CSM: So can I have your number?
Me: ….
This continued for a good 15 minutes to the Funnel Cake stand and back to the seats. In these 15 minutes, we talked about NASA, quality Funnel Cake, Jesse James and corn farms. He asked me to the movies on three separate occasions and asked for my phone number at least four more times. He even game me his cell-phone number in case I ever got bored. (Side-note, if you ever are bored, I do have the number of an extremely awkward creep with no front teeth who likes to talk to girls who just want a freaking piece of Funnel Cake.) Luckily, he wasn’t allowed to actually go into the seats, or we may have continued our awkward non-conversation for quite a bit. As it was, by the time I had got to my seat, my Funnel Cake was getting cold and I had missed an opportunity to get on the Jumbotron. Again.
Moral of the story: Don’t talk to strangers. And if you dance like crazy, you can make it on the Jumbotron a bajillion times. Also, Funnel Cake is awesome. And almost worth just about anything. What would I do for a Klondike Bar? Hell if I know. But I do know that I would resist the advances of a guy with no front teeth for more than 15 minutes for a piece of Funnel Cake.
*Now that I’ve finished this post, I realize it’s a blessing that Funnel Cake doesn’t start with a ‘-J’ sound. Because I only mentioned it, like, maybe 17 times, which is so not title-worthy. And besides, Funnel Cake sounds much more tasty than Junnel Jake. Yuck. Poor Jake. (Ha, ha, ha… )
-April 26th
UPDATE: Two weeks later, I am still getting comments about the Jumbotron. Dang, I feel like a celebrity! (And you can too, if you follow my guide!)
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